and i haven't written in a while.

there was that moment.

that second of pure joy.

the kind that attaches itself to each solitary blood cell and the marrow of my bones.

I can feel it breathe life into this weary heart.

when your smeared mud cleanses my eyes

and I see you again.

when the world I painted on the back of my eyelids rises

and there you are, downstage center.

there was that moment.

Father, what is beyond that apron doesn't matter anymore.

All I want is to start the scene, the lights are up

and you have been waiting for my arrival.

With the joy that you set flowing through my body

I am going to show them how glorious you are

I'll sing and dance and shout and all the other ways to proclaim such joy

because this beauty can be contained within my flesh

and there was that moment.

oh, how short a moment can be.

there was a moment

and paul began to sink

there was a moment

and the curtains began to close

Father, I have washed in the pool of Siloam too many times,

and it is my faithlessness that leaves me blind.

This is something I couldn't keep in.

I hate Apathy.
I hate how it is preying on so many people in society.
I hate how sometimes I even find myself settling into it's trap.

Apathy; a disease that causes one to just live life, not caring, fully unaware of the surroundings, and completely oblivious to who exactly they are.

Why in the world would you want to go even one day without asking yourself,
what can I do today to improve:
myself.
the way I live.
the world.

everyone is always shouting "we only have one life to live, so let's live it right!"
they don't actually live life.
just a day to day process of self-indulgence.
stagnant.
no progression.

I guess I have a particular issue with this, because I do not believe that it is my life to live.
I wasn't put on this earth to only search for ways to satisfy myself, for that is a never ending path of disappointment. However, I want to live my life for God, although, I am not always successful and have repeatedly fallen short, there is nothing greater than serving him. That sounds like a whole bunch of christian lingo strategically placed to make me sound like some righteous person, but if you could just hear the sound of my voice, or see the overwhelming joy that embodies itself in the glistening of my eyes when I speak of the unfathomable love of the God that I serve, you would see why nothing is greater than working for Him. My Savior didn't put me on this earth to wallow in my own filth, or find temporary joy in the meaningless activities of this world.

"Talk is cheap, like day dreams and other useless activities. Fear God instead"
Ecclesiastes 5:7
one of the biggest truths I have found, written by the wisest man that ever lived.
I'm sure it's worth something.

I wish I somehow had the power to make the whole world understand exactly what I am saying.
I wish I could erase all the things that society associates Christianity with; the hypocrites, the bible-thumpers, the pretenders, and the judgemental.
And just show you God's love, raw and unspoiled by the world.
have you feel what I feel.
see what I have seen.
know how much He is longing to build a relationship with you.
how grand His plan is for you.
how real He really is.
that there is so much more than the world that you find yourself in.



God doesn't need my help. He created the universe.
But it is an amazing grace that he wants my help in showing His love to the world.
I'm not going to miss out on that.
And there isn't one thing in my life that is more important.
at least, when I don't fail at putting Him first.


that is only the very tip of all I wish I could say.


God is love and love is Real
-Ashley.

Title In Progress.

DISCLAIMER: well, before you start to try to figure out who I am crushing on and writing short stories about, haha, know that I wrote this over the summer, about NO ONE in particular. Just a awkward story about my frustrations with the game. enjoy.


Chapter One.


He wasn’t perfect, no, not in the least bit. He could never seem to remember what time we were supposed to meet, I told myself it wasn’t personal. He frequently managed to say the wrong thing at exactly the wrong moment, I just thought of it as a reoccurring accident. He had the habit of making sure that every female in the room felt special and after finishing his rounds he always managed to find his way back to me, I just considered him to be a caring person. And he always seemed to forget to fasten a solitary button on his shirt, it was normally the fourth one, on occasion the fifth. He wasn’t perfect, but I didn’t mind, his smile could drive me for days. His scruffy hair, every piece perfectly placed, and his eyes, vibrant hazel, just the right tint of green, not too much brown, seemed to always find the light at the right angle. Most of all, he had the art of softly strumming my heart strings down packed, making melodies of my heartbeat. For some reason, I had always considered him mine, ever since the first note was plucked.
I shouldn’t have.

“Good morning Alice,” he more sang, than spoke, as he slid into the desk next to mine, backpack still partially unzipped, it was button number four today. He was looking gorgeous as always, this was the boy that was the reason for half my smiles, this was Reed.
“Hey, Reed,” I tried not to sound too excited, but I couldn’t help the grin on my face.
“We are still going to hang out tonight right? I couldn’t ever watch batman without you!” he said as he nudged my arm.
I’m sure he would have been able to do such a thing, with no trouble, but I still loved the sound of it.
“Yes, of course we are, seven right?” The bell let out its monotonous three rings and Reed got up to find his assigned seat.
“As always!”
“Great! Oh and uhm Reed,” he stopped, “Your backpacks open…”
He attempted to look behind him, and finally pulled his backpack off to look at it, he smiled at himself, “Alice, what would I do without you.”


It should have been considered a hazard for me to drive to his house; I could never stay focused on the road. I frequently checked the mirror to make sure my light brown hair was managing to cooperate, I sprayed just one more squirt of perfume at the stop lights, and I constantly had the night running through my mind, or at least what I had hoped would happen. There was my fault, I had it all planned out, tonight was the night he would finally let me know he really did care for me, tonight was the night everything was going to work out. It ran like a sitcom in my mind. The crowd would go wild with applause.

I rang the doorbell.
Please don’t do anything stupid tonight, Alice.
No answer, I knew he was home, his car was in the driveway.
When he opens the door, should I say “hi” right away, that could be a little startling?
I didn’t know if I should have rang the doorbell again, maybe I hadn’t pushed it.
I should just let him say hello first, then again, what if he doesn’t?
I rang the doorbell again.
That could be awkward.
Still no answer.
Great now you just look impatient, you already ruined everything!
The door swung open, it was Reed’s little brother, Joey, just a year younger than me.
“Hey, Alice, Reed is upstairs, he just woke up, I guess he forgot that you were coming at seven.”
Of course he did. I stepped inside as Joey went into the living room and plopped down on the couch.
“Oh, okay, that’s fine, I’ll just wait.” I said as I found a spot next to him on the couch. Joey sluggishly flipped through the channels, his eyes entranced, I wasn’t sure if I should have made conversation or not, I didn’t want to disrupt his enchanted state.
“So, how are you enjoying your sophomore year?” I did it, I couldn’t handle the silent tension.
“It’s okay.” He replied under the chatter of a cartoon that he was much too old to be watching, “I’m just glad it’s almost over!”
“Yeah, definitely.” There were several rushed footsteps down the stairs, oh good, I didn’t know where else to take that conversation!
Reed came briskly into the living room, sleep still evident on his flawless face. An involuntary grin appeared on my face,
“Well hello there, sleepy head.”
“Hey girl!” he said as he hugged me from behind the couch. “I’m sorry, I took a nap and I forgot to set my alarm for seven!”
“I’m sure you did, you forgot I was coming at seven as well?” I said playfully, or at least, I was trying to be.
“Joey! Why did you tell her that?” he said as he hit the back of Joey’s head.
“I’m sorry, maybe I try to tell the truth!” Joey replied in defense.
“Go watch TV upstairs,” Reed answered as he made room for himself between Joey and me. His aroma was more than ensnaring; I longed to get even closer. “Alice and I are going to watch the new Batman movie.”
“Why can’t I watch too!”
“You can…or you can go play my Xbox upstairs?”
Joey was gone in a matter of seconds. Reed smiled at me slyly as he inched even closer.
“Now that the children are gone” he said precociously. I just giggled, because I knew he was only joking with me. I didn’t mind. He got up, put the movie in, and flipped the lights off, but his inviting smell lingered next to me. I let the previews run, as he grabbed our favorite movie watching snack.

Upon returning to the couch, he found it absolutely necessary to sit in the exact same spot as before, our bodies just barely touching as we sank into the highly cushioned couch. There was a whole couch, that five, maybe six, people could share, and he finds it a necessity to be as close to me as he can without actually sitting on me! I could feel his warmth, and that aroma was now screaming at me, luring me in. Even better, he decided to be a total guy, and rest his arm on the back of the couch. I never understood what it was about guys, and their need to stretch their arms oh so close to my shoulders. What a cherry on top, I couldn’t help but imagine his arm sliding only but a few inches down and finding rest on my lonely shoulder in a loving embrace, and it was taking every bit of my self control to not lay my head in that perfect crevasse between his neck and his shoulder and finally find exactly what I was looking for.
“Alice, you know what I love about Batman?”
Back to reality, focus Alice.
“What’s that Reed?”
“He could actually exist! I mean, he doesn’t really have superpowers, just a whole bunch of really cool gadgets!”
“Yeah I know! This is why he is the coolest, and he has a Butler…I mean does superman have a butler? No!”
Reed looked at me and grinned, that marvelous smile was so much more wonderful when I had provoked it. “This is very true!” he replied turning his eyes back to the movie that I had just missed the first five minutes of.

The night continued on, I sat patiently denying my desires, and tried to pay attention to the movie, but I was distracted with Reed’s uncanny ability to make me laugh until it hurts. It was bitter sweet, nothing hurt more than being here with him, so close, so ready to give my heart away, but nothing was better than these moments spent with him, having the time of my life. I sure had made a mess of my heart.
The time had made its way quickly through the night, taking what it needed and heading out the door never to be seen again. He walked me to the door, if my plan for tonight were to come true, this was the last chance.
“I had fun as always Alice” he said as he opened the door.
“Yes, movie night again soon, right?” I stepped outside.
“Most definitely!” he smirked and leaned in for a hug, that familiar embrace, I only wished it could be different.
“Okay good!” my reply muffled by his stout shoulder. He pulled away, and that was it, I guess my plans were only silly thoughts. A little girl’s day dream. I was only being foolish as usual. I turned to walk to my car,
“Alice…” It was a spark of hope, his tone indicating he was about to tell me something, something special. I turned around immediately, I couldn’t speak.
“…You’re my best friend and I love you. Always remember that, okay?”
“I will, Reed.”


Friend. what a piercing sword.

When you come,if you come,I'll be waiting for you here, and when you find me, this is how to make me smile a real big smile of Love & Laughter & Joy:

this is a continuing process as is life, my list will continue to grow.

1. Come over to my house and sit with me. and when the sun starts to leave, we'll go out on my porch. I'll light the lights and you can slip one of your indie rock compact disc's in my car stereo (leave the door open, turn it up loud). We can find a seat on the ground, spread the papers wide and pour the red and green and purple. And we can begin to finger paint. It won't matter if you can't make out what I illustrate, as long as you promise not to be angry if I spill a little yellow on your blue jeans
2. Let's go fishing. We'll take a little rowboat somewhere close by the shore. You cast out on the right and I on the left, and we will wait for a bite. We don't need to talk, let's just enjoy each other and we can let the sun do all the conversing as we wait for a catch. And if the fish don't seem to have an appetite, that's okay, we will float along. But if they do, we'll have some good eating tonight.
3. You and me, Let's go on a road trip, a road trip to absolutely nowhere. You'll pretend to be a high class gentleman and open the door for me, as I slide into your hot car, seats burning, air conditioning still racing to lower the temperature. Buckle-click, buckle-click. Rev the engine baby, let's roll. Let me play DJ and I'll let you be the pilot! Take me anywhere, I promise I'll love it. You keep your eyes on the cars passing and directions turning, and I'll keep my eyes on the little white lines passing and the landscape turning. Your car doesn't have power windows, but that's okay, the world is just a handle rolled away: let the wind embrace every solitary hair follicle in an inciting tango and we'll chase the world together.
4. Take me to the zoo. me and you. Pick a day where the sun is kind and the gentle breeze allows for me to bring a thin button up sweater. We'll look at the lions and tigers and bears. and I'll try not to feed the crocodiles as long as you promise to hold my hand when we go see the reptiles. I don't want us to become like the elephants enclosed by fencing, or the hippopotamuses behind the glass. Let's be the peacocks. We'll laugh at the thought of captivity, we have the whole park to wander. Let's not live in a box. We'll go on an adventure and barely escape danger with your conveniently clever disguise of a hundred little eyes. it's alright that your feathers are brighter than mine, but i hope my plain brown coat will do.